Ever feel like your friendships don’t feel as fulfilling as you’d like? If you’ve ever rated your satisfaction with your friendships, you might find that your desire for closeness is often higher than the reality. In today’s fast-paced world, building deep friendships takes effort and intention. This guide will give you essential insights on strengthening your friendships, whether you’re looking to develop new connections or deepen existing ones.
A relationship expert and blogger Shasta Nelson asked 1000s of people in survey some similar questions on the satisfaction of friendships and found 50-70% scored their relationship satisfaction 5 or below out of 10. She found that nearly every single person scored their desire for closeness higher than their satisfaction in their current friendships. Shasta Nelson talks about the 3 key elements we need for deep friendships in the “Triangle of Frientimacy.”
The Triangle of Frientimacy: The 3 Key Elements of Deep Friendships
When it comes to building friendships that last, three crucial elements make a difference: Positivity, Consistency, and Vulnerability. Let’s explore how each of these can help you form the type of friendships that stand the test of time.
1. Positivity: The Foundation of a Deep Friendships
Friendships should build us up and create joy. Research shows that for every negative interaction in a relationship, we need at least five positive ones to feel satisfied. Think about your friendships—are your interactions mostly positive?
To build a friendship that feels good, focus on creating uplifting moments. This can mean celebrating each other’s successes, sharing laughs, or simply showing kindness. While it’s important to support each other in tough times, maintaining an overall positive tone in your relationship is key to its strength and longevity.
Practical Tip: Send an encouraging message or compliment to a friend today. Small gestures like these add up over time and foster a positive foundation.
2. Consistency: The Glue of Deep Friendships
Consistency is about showing up regularly in each other’s lives, which builds trust and strengthens bonds. Whether through work, community groups, or just regular hangouts, spending time together makes it easier to stay connected and support each other.
Consider how often you’re connecting with your friends. Are you making time for them regularly? It’s easy to let friendships slide when life gets busy, but consistency is key to a lasting connection.
Practical Tip: Schedule regular meet-ups or calls with a friend you’d like to reconnect with. Even setting aside 15 minutes to check in weekly can help strengthen your bond.
3. Vulnerability: The Heart of Deep Friendships
Vulnerability is about sharing the highs and the lows, letting your friends know you on a real level. This doesn’t mean oversharing but rather creating space for honesty and openness. When you’re willing to share personal experiences, both good and bad, it lets friends see who you truly are.
Think about your friendships—are you open and honest with each other? Without vulnerability, friendships tend to stay surface-level, missing that core of true understanding.
We were created to be loved and Gal 4:9 describes being loved as being known. We are desire to be known deeply. I believe we feel real love, when someone knows the deep things about us, and still accepts us. But when we are not vulnerable, we do not feel known, and therefore don’t feel loved, and are missing a piece of the frientimacy triangle.
Practical Tip: Next time you’re with a friend, try sharing something meaningful about your life. It could be a recent challenge or a personal victory. Opening up can inspire your friend to do the same.
Compassion and Empathy: Essential Ingredients for Connection
The emotions of compassion and empathy help friendships grow stronger. Compassion involves understanding and acting on that understanding by offering support. Empathy, meanwhile, is more about understanding what someone is feeling, not feeling it for them, and reflecting their feelings back to them.
“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well, can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” -Pema Chodron, a Buddhist Nun
For deeper connections, practicing compassion and empathy is essential. This might mean sitting with a friend during a tough time instead of offering advice or just listening when they need a sounding board. Sometimes we are too quick to tell people to cheer up, or fix whats wrong, because we don’t know what to do, and usually that’s because we are uncomfortable with suffering and hard emotions. We have to get passed the pursuit of happiness lifestyle, and pursue wholeness, embracing hardship, even in others.
I would venture to say, that until you have gone through a hard time with someone, you have not become good friends.
Practical Tip: The next time a friend is struggling, resist the urge to offer a solution. Instead, acknowledge their feelings and let them know you’re there for them.
“We need to dispel the myth that empathy is walking in someone elses shoes. Rather than walking in your shoes, I need to learn how to listen to the story you tell about what it’s like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experiences.”
– Brené Brown
Setting Boundaries: Protecting and Strengthening Friendships
Healthy boundaries are essential for deep, lasting friendships. Boundaries help you maintain your sense of self within a friendship and prevent burnout or resentment. They’re a way of ensuring that each person’s needs are respected, and they’re crucial for creating a friendship that feels safe and secure.
Are you setting boundaries in your relationships? If not, try being open about your needs, such as needing time for self-care or space during certain times.
Practical Tip: If a friend tends to call at inconvenient times, consider saying something like, “I’d love to chat, but I’m usually free around 7 pm. Can we talk then?” Respecting each other’s boundaries builds mutual respect and trust.
Biblical Inspiration: David and Jonathan’s Friendship
“Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul” (1 Sam. 18:3).
“And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David…” (1 Sam. 18:4).
“But Jonathan, Saul’s son, delighted much in David” (1 Sam. 19:1).
“Then Jonathan said to David, ‘Whatever you say, I will do for you’” (1 Sam. 20:4).
One day near Horesh, David received the news that Saul was on the way to Ziph to search for him and kill him. 16 Jonathan went to find David and encouraged him to stay strong in his faith in God. 17 “Don’t be afraid,” Jonathan reassured him. “My father will never find you! You are going to be the king of Israel, and I will be next to you, as my father, Saul, is well aware.” (1 Sam. 23:15-17).
The Bible offers valuable lessons on friendship, particularly in the story of David and Jonathan. Despite challenges, Jonathan’s unwavering support for David shows us that true friendship is often about putting others first. Are you willing to be a “Jonathan” in someone’s life, offering friendship without expecting anything in return?
Think of ways to serve and support your friends selflessly. This could mean offering your time, a listening ear, or just being present when they need you most.
Reflection: Is there a friend in your life who might need extra support right now? How can you be there for them?
Action Steps for Building Deep Friendships
- Evaluate Your Friendships: Take a moment to reflect on the quality of your friendships. Are they mostly positive? Are you consistent in your interactions? Are you open and vulnerable with each other?
- Practice Compassion and Empathy: Next time a friend is going through a tough time, focus on listening rather than fixing. Show that you understand and support them.
- Set Healthy Boundaries: Be clear about your boundaries and respect the boundaries of others. This mutual respect makes friendships healthier and more sustainable.
- Serve Selflessly: Look for ways to support your friends. Sometimes giving more than you receive can lead to the most fulfilling friendships.
Why Building Deep Friendships Matters
“Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18)
God created us for relationships, and meaningful friendships can have a positive impact on our lives. By focusing on positivity, consistency, vulnerability, compassion, empathy, and healthy boundaries, you can cultivate friendships that enrich your life and bring you joy.
Closing Thoughts: Take the First Step
Deep friendships don’t happen overnight—they require effort, consistency, and a willingness to be vulnerable. But the rewards are worth it. Take one of the action steps today, and begin building the friendships you desire. If you are not willing to take the first step, do not expect someone else to be.
Books I Enjoyed on this Topic:
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality – Peter Scazzero
Atlas of the Heart – Brene Brown
(Amazon Affiliate Links)
Prayer for Friendship
Dear Lord, thank you for the gift of friendship. Help us to build relationships that are positive, consistent, and vulnerable. Teach us to practice compassion and empathy, and to set healthy boundaries. May our friendships glorify You and guide us closer to You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
By focusing on these core principles, you can create deep, lasting friendships that bring joy and fulfillment. What’s one step you’ll take today to deepen your friendships? Let us know in the comments below!